Sunday, September 23, 2007

A truly amazing person

When I wanted to start a blog, the first thing I wanted to write was something on my mom. She was the main source of inspiration in my life, she still is...

My mom was a truly amazing person. She had an unbelievable mix of good qualities, some of which I have seen in shades in some really good people I have known over years. In fact I should say everything about her was good. The best thing she did to me was the confidence that she instilled in me. I would have been nothing without her. Right from my childhood, she gave me the feeling that I was the most knowledgeable person, the best in everything, when she had so much within her.

The greatest thing about her was that she was there for me always, a shoulder to lean, eyes to cry for me (though not in front of me), heart to pray and a patient ear to listen. She was like the Sun, my source of energy and inspiration. She still is, it is just that she is not there with me physically at the moment, like the Sun is not visible to us at times!

It took me a few years to realize that my mom’s circle of influence was too big and it was not just me who was having such a great experience with a wonderful friend. She was encompassing the lives of everyone around her, in her own humble way. She was handling so many roles with ease and always had time for every relative and friend, anyone who needed her. I have seen her as a great mom, a caring wife, a loving daughter, a wonderful sister and an amazing friend. How could someone do all this?

She was a balanced person and seemed to have unending energy to carry on people around her. Sometimes I wonder what she did about her problems! I am sure she had her own worries on top of what others like me dumped on her but she never seemed to show them to anyone. Where did she draw her inspiration and energy from? Was she an angel or some kind of a fairy godmother, a blessing for her family and friends, someone sent to earth to just make people’s lives?

One thing I realized about her was that she never seemed to expect anything from anyone. In many ways she was like a child. She lived and enjoyed every moment. She would do everything to make someone feel good, not artificially though. She was genuine. I remember her holding my hand on Westminster Bridge and thanking me with tears for bringing her upto London, such a historic place where so many great people would have trodden in the past. Most people would have assumed it was the duty of their son to do that but not my mom. We both didn’t know then that it was the last trip we would go on, before cancer would taker her away from me.

I didn’t know much about cancer till my mom passed away. Not even when she was diagnosed of cancer or when she was fighting cancer did I know the seriousness of this disease. I never realised the struggle or the pain she was going through. That was my mom. She was dying and she knew it but she hid it behind her divine smile and kept assuring us that she was fine. Whatever I know about cancer today is only based on reflection, thinking back and running through what happened. To me, this phase clearly brought to fore her courage and determination. She fought cancer, went through several rounds of radiation and two rounds of chemotherapy and even when she had a recurrence she was still the same person. Not once did she cry or complain and only finally when she realized that we had come to know of the situation did she give up. She gave up life gracefully. She lived and died the same person. Cancer or death could not change her.

I always used to comment to her that her eyes kept moving too fast. I still clearly remember the last time I saw her eyes moving. I was starting for work on that dreadful Monday and she was lying on the bed. She seemed to be asleep and as I moved away her eyes opened. She realized that I was getting ready and moved her eyes slightly and bid me farewell. Little did I realize that it was farewell really. Maybe she knew it. When I came back an hour later, she was in total peace. She had given up her fight.

A few hours later, as I turned back after seeing her for the last time before fire would consume her remains, I was reminded of Wordsworth’s poem which I had read a few years back

Have I been so beguiled as to be blind
To my most grievous loss? - That thought's return
Was the worst pang that sorrow ever bore
Save one, one only, when I stood forlorn,
Knowing my heart's best treasure was no more;
That neither present time, nor years unborn,
Could to my sight that heavenly face restore

That heavenly smile can never be restored!


Janani said...

An amazing person in the truest sense - I agree. I should say that we have been really privileged to be her children and enjoy every moment of the bliss. I owe everything that I have in life to her...But one thing for sure is that I still cant digest why such a great person who was lighting the life of many be taken away so soon...She would have made the lives of all of us so much better than today...Some questions never have answers..

Anonymous said...

When I think of amma, the thought that she is not around anymore makes me feel like I have lost something really precious in my life. The little time that I spent with her gave me a glimpse of her magnificent personality. The little things she did to take care of you, the small words that made so much difference - making sure she makes the life of people around her a blessing. We read so much about personal leaders all the time, we had one amongst us all the time. I will do my bit to carry her legacy with pride and dignity.

AG said...

A very touching ode to mothers all over the world!!! Eventhough we knew your parents only for a short duration they indeed came across as very warm and kind hearted people. It was a great shock when we heard the sad news. Indeed parents never divulge their internal turmoils worried that it might disturb us. They have set a very high benchmark which is going to be very tough to match when it comes to our children.
Keep up your excellent blog - we will lap it up whatever you serve!!